The last words I remember him saying were “My fifth rule of the evening is this: whatever else you do, don’t die here tonight..!”
Of course, although he continued speaking after this point, everything else had the volume turned down after that; that was when I stopped listening.
Was it actually that simple? Did I really have the power to make such a permanent decision?
There was eight of us sitting in the circle that night. I don’t believe it to be any coincidence that I was the least experienced with this type of thing. It was also at this stage that I was thinking “I might have made a bad choice in coming here…”
Too late! I had the cup of thick blackish liquid in my hand and despite my misgivings regarding what was about to happen, I stepped against my better judgement and drank it. The first thing I noticed was the extremely bitter taste.
Within 15 minutes, I could hear those around me in the blacked out space beginning to purge, but I did not feel the need. “Great! I must be pretty clean inside, physically and spiritually. No purging here!”
I didn’t realize just how wrong I was and that there was plenty of work to be done within me. I don’t have a clear memory of how I actually made the transition, however one minute I was sitting and consciously breathing, the next I was falling down a tunnel of pulsating light and sound.
The first hour of my journey was spent in a balance between violently purging and being stuck in a “dark carnival” of vibrating energy. Although it’s now a distant memory, I can recall a feeling of having no point of reference. The body was still there of course, however it was separated from me now. There was a body, yet it was not me!
What keeps the physical body alive whilst “I’m” out here in Sacred Space?
I remember feeling an overwhelming sense of fear because I was now separate from the body. That the body would not know what to do to keep itself alive without my intelligence; it was very sick and purging every few minutes. Now that I was out here in a separate space of non-physical Reality, would it know that it cannot remain lying down on it’s back whilst purging?
Occasionally I would cross the bridge back to the body and remember that I was still here in this little cabin in the woods. Each time I did, I noticed the room was heavily distorted and pulsating with light. There was a powerful Shaman sitting just across from me chanting in Spanish. The odd thing was, even without speaking a word of Spanish, I understood the chant perfectly and could even sing along.
Back into the darkness I fell. I remember standing in a room completely devoid of light. A fragment of the mind had come with me this time and was rationalizing the experience. ‘You’ve just taken something and are having a bad trip. It will be over shortly and you’ll be OK!’
What happened next was the most powerful moment of my life thus far! A being stood in front of me with an energy emanating from it the size of a mountain. It pulled me up equal with it’s eyes and said “WRONG! YOU will not be OK! There is no YOU!” With that, a giant energetic axe came down and chopped right through the mind and any sense of ‘self’ that I still had.
“I HAVE JUST DESTROYED EVERYTHING THAT YOU ARE NOT! YOUR MIND AND EGO ARE DEAD. WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR BODY TO FOLLOW? THERE IS NO NEED FOR YOU TO RETURN NOW IF YOU DON’T WANT TO!”
At this stage, I remember saying to this Being of infinite power, ‘I don’t want to die! I have too much left to do, and I made an agreement that I would return tonight’. All that was said was “SO BE IT”, and I found myself sitting up once again in the little dark room.
All of the energetic fireworks had finished by this point, however I noticed two new people in the room with me. They were both over 9 feet tall, wearing white robes and with long white hair. I wasn’t sure how they had come to be here, but their presence was very comforting.
I closed my eyes and fell back into that darkness. Only this time, I was anchored firmly to something rather than flailing like someone trying to swim who had never touched water before. It came in waves, in and out, in and out, and I realized that I was anchored to the breath.
From that place of center, I started having realizations surrounding my childhood, my Father, the path of my life. I somehow knew I needed to have everything that I wasn’t destroyed so I could understand these things.
The journey onwards
Many months after my experience that night and I am still growing from it. I have come to know both myself and the world in an entirely new light. Although many aspects of the journey were quite frightening, I am super grateful for drinking that thick blackish liquid, and I would do it again in a heartbeat if the opportunity to do so arose.
I did die in that darkened room surrounded by eight people, a Shaman and two energetic beings from somewhere else, yet in doing so, I also got to make a choice that has taught me how to truly LIVE!