I was only three years old when I lay dying.
The memory of such a thing is all but long forgotten and faded, however there are elements that still remain bright to me.
I remember lying curled up in my Mother’s arms on a chair in the bathroom; the shower was on hot to produce steam so as to try and clear my airway.
“Am I dying Mommy?”
I looked up into her teary eyes and asked innocently if I was about to leave this world. She closed her eyes, held me more tightly and rocked back and forth without answering.
Although I don’t remember waking up without breath, certain events of the day in question are burned into my mind. I remember standing outside a doctor surgery with my Father whilst my Mother was inside having some tests done. I remember playing in the park with my Brother.
Although the memories are insignificant by themselves, there was a very particular energy permeating the day. The energy of the day was somehow blue, dreamlike, surreal.
I fell asleep at the same time I always did, however on this evening a mere hour later I was awake again not breathing. I remember my Father racing about trying to get a doctor, whilst I sat curled up in the steamy bathroom with my Mother, trying to breathe.
Shaping a future of mistrust
I couldn’t have known it then, but the events of that evening burned into me a serious mistrust of the world. A mistrust that was to direct and destroy almost every relationship I have had. In those moment that I wasn’t breathing, I stopped believing that my body could keep me alive; I stopped trusting myself!
What I’ve come to understand is that when you create such a powerful paradigm to view the world with, you constantly look for validation of it. As such, I became a grade A snoop. I wanted to find evidence that the entire world and everyone in it couldn’t be trusted. I needed to know that I was not the only one.
The biggest issue with constantly searching for something is that you will find it. Even if it isn’t real or is a distorted version of reality, you will manage to find evidence of it. Well, evidence I found… Big time! I started teaching myself that the world was not a trustful place and that I was right to not extend an offering of trust towards anyone or anything.
Trust is like love… If you don’t have it for yourself first, you can’t have it for another
It has taken me an incredibly long 35 years to come to this understanding. When I first started working in Sacred Space with Shamanic Journeying, I had massive issues surrendering control. The journey inwards would be a struggle for me to let go to the experience. I couldn’t bring myself to trust that I would be ok.
Several powerful journeys later guided by strong and loving Shaman, and I still hadn’t learned the true Genesis of this massive level of mistrust that I carried. Regardless of the work I was doing, I could never seem to get clear of the issue. It wasn’t until one night most recently where I made the decision to enter Sacred Space alone, with no one present to guide or help me that I discovered the truth.
Taking me back to where it all began
I took what I needed to take, covered my head, lay down with some soft chanting music and started my breath-work. The first thing I noticed was that my throat started becoming tight. I remember thinking that I could reach out to a neighbor for assistance if I needed to, but instead stayed with the sensation. As I continued to breathe into the space, I was very quickly dragged back to that steamy bathroom.
I saw my distraught Mother sitting with little Chris, and in a moment of immense compassion for both of them, I told them that it was all going to work out perfectly. I let my younger self know that I had successfully made it to 37 years without having the body fail me and that it was OK to trust.
This experience has helped me recognize that all the other work I was doing with trust was futile. It was like sweeping leaves against the wind because I simply wasn’t hitting the root cause. In coming to this space of understanding, I now have the tools I need to develop trust in all areas of my life.
There is no longer a need to search for mistrust outside of myself. In taking this journey, I shifted the paradigm that the world is an untrustworthy place.
In trusting myself first, I can now extend my trust to others.