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Yesterday was a fuck it kind of a day for me.

You know those days….the ones where you look around and it’s just like “ugh fuck it” to everything you see? If you don’t know those days, consider yourself lucky.

I live a pretty spiritual life filled with meditation, yoga, service, practice, good diet, and overall peace. I have a lot of magic in my life thanks to my connection with God. There are light and love, peace and compassion. Most of all there’s humor. And there will always be darkness. Because we are beings of light and dark. Light can’t exist without dark. So it doesn’t matter how spiritually “enlightened” I become, the darkness will exist. Hence the #hugyourchaos movement.

What if “enlightened” doesn’t mean the absence of darkness—as in the false belief we are “all just love and light”—but rather the integration and unity of dark and light which results in mastery over self?  

“Fuck it” is sort of the anthem of my darkness.

It’s the embodiment of my shadow. Because my shadow self doesn’t give a fuck. About anything. She’s pretty honey badger. She kind of wants to burn down society as we know it. An angry rage simmers below the surface down in the deepest pools of my soul. I have an amazingly blessed and happy life, and most of the time I’m genuinely a content buoyant person.

Yet that shadowy fire lingers deep within. That’s why we hug the chaos!

The difference? I’ve made friends with her. I no longer have to yell, “Fuck it” to the world. My inner Kali and I are one, united in integration and love. So even when she rears her head, black hair flying wide, trident in hand ready to slay that which is unjust, I’m okay with it. Because I no longer suppress my anger, it doesn’t come out sideways at all the wrong people. I’ve learned that I can feel angry without acting like a nasty woman. I can feel a bad attitude coming on without destroying everything around me.

This wasn’t always my story. The denial and suppression of my emotions manifested as a lot of dysfunction in my early life. You name it, I tried it on for size. Addictions, eating disorders, promiscuity, crime, bad behavior, and so on. I reached for everything I came across that could possibly convince me I wasn’t feeling the feelings I had within me. Some discontent would rise up and I would be off on yet another path of self-destruction. All because I wouldn’t acknowledge that I was pissed. I was hurt, angry and mostly, I was scared.

I was mad at being born, it seemed!

Burn it all!

Sometimes, when I look around the world today and I observe the state of affairs we are in, I’m still like, “What the fuck did I sign up for?” And some days I really feel this more than others, and those are the days Mamma Kali wants to burn down the world. On those days, I’m pissed I have to work, I’m pissed there’s traffic, I’m pissed about what we’re doing to the planet. I angry about the actions of our government and the elite class. I’m still mad we’ve been slaughtering and mass-killing each other for thousands of years.

My soul longs for the old days of peace, connection, joy, and oneness. The connection we all shared long ago before most of us can consciously remember. I yearn for that world and I get pissed sometimes that I have some soul purpose to fulfill in this lifetime of chaos. That’s her, my darkness.

She sees through the illusion we are calling our reality, and she just wants to go home and rest. But she can’t just yet because she has a purpose to fulfill. So instead, she’d rather say fuck you to all things that represent this prison we call living in the western world….you know, like her boss, traffic, her job, her landlord, the government, the media, the sheep who blindly follow as their told and attack anyone who challenges the status quo.

That’s what my day of the ‘fuck its’ looks like inside my mind. Once upon a time, I would have acted upon all this rage. And I would’ve ended up bitter, angry, alone, and most likely homeless and strung out. Once upon a time I would’ve said fuck it and walked away, the fires of my destruction rising behind me.

We ARE NOT our emotions…

Today though, I greet that angry version of me with love. I embrace her and I hold her close while she rages. I smile upon her emotional storm, knowing that this too shall pass and the skies will be blue again. Emotions pass when we let them. Sure they may be stormy and fierce, but all they are is energy. Simple energy. If we do nothing in the face of them, instead of pausing to breathe into the moment, we begin to see that we ARE NOT our emotions. And in this realization comes true empowerment because we can begin to practice no longer being a slave to our darkness.

That which we deny inside ourselves becomes our puppet master. We become the marionette to the very thing we want to just wish away and deny its existence. The very things we deny being are often our jailers.

And all it takes to set us free from the self-imposed prison is a key we all possess. The breath.

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